Can't believe I am THIS TIRED. If I don't have any serious illness like cancer or liver failure I'll be surprised. Headache, hot flashes, tired. (hypertension?) ANYWAY. Enough of that. Glad I managed to work. Hope I will manage tomorrow as well.
Discovered heaps of undone things and messages not taken care of on my desk.AHHHHH I have created a life where I can't retire to my bed for weeks without bad consequences.
Was at therapy to day. Felt awkward and distant. I used to go regularly and she help me grow up , live independently, work and so on. But now it is sort of the next level, which is probably like 18 years later than everybody else. Defining me. Living with all of me. And accept reality as it is. Hm, sounds easy to most people I assume. But remember when all of you out there did THAT between 15 and 20, I sort wandered in a state of constant depression and confusion.
It feels as if I am being born, or standing on a threshold. It hurts and I don't want to push further, or bring out the last pieces of me inside. I frightens me. I frighten me. Not that I would turn into a Dexter or something, but when I let myself out there will be no more being the victim, all people might not like the person I am, there will certainly not be any reassurances.
But there is no going back either. I tried that, but I have already come to far. The life I have created for myself has no place for the person I used to retire to. Too much responsibilities, too good friends who refuse to let me slip away, and too many dreams and wishes that I have dreamt for myself. There is no going back. So why does it hurt so much.
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