Still waiting for the bill

Did go to church, did go to moving in party. Didn't stay long. But it was 5 hours altogether, didn't feel worse. THANK GOD. I can't imagining myself work next week. I feel disoriented. I feel as if I am not on top of thing. I feel muddleheaded and has no memory or trust in myself. Odd. I haven't taken temperature or recorded anxiety symptoms for two days. I haven't felt better but not worse either. My stomach is still a bit funny. Ate some things I shouldn't have yesterday.

I am afraid, because in a way it was better to be panicstricken and having lost it all. When I was so depressed and terrified of cancer a week ago I had nothing to loose. As soon as I get my hopes up and starts to want things again, like yesterday, then I start to worry, because suddenly I have things to loose again. My body, my mind, my dreams, my wishes, my friends.

We talked about alot of things yesterday, some had seen the movie Into the wild, and they all agreed that being by oneself doesn't make you happy. Funny I always thought it did.

I spent so many years trying to develop a core, a me, spent so many years trying to grow up and rely on myself, I now feel somewhat tricked. I have always used people, my parents, and others. My parents and I struggled for my independence pulling in different directions all the time. Finally almost into middel age, I feel truly grown up, only to realise I still can't function completely on my. I still need help, I want to be alone, and yet I don't. Being with others stress me, I need solace, I need space for body and mind and spirit. Still.

Did my parents use to have a lot of friends before I arrived. Were they social human beings. Maybe, but I bring a sense of isolation from my childhood and youth. Why? Parts of me wants to stay in this sofa, alone, for ever. Parts of me doesn't want to be involved because it is such a hard time. An still.

It all comes down to old Donne, no man is an island. No man is an island. I wanted to be all I needed. I am not. And being the best I can is often when with others. I told my best friend I didn't want to bother her or be a burden, she said, it is not a question of being a burden or not, the next time I need you, you'll be there for me. Let's take turns.

I'll try to remember that. I will also remember that people probably doesn't want to be burdens, they want to be providers off and on. For example I was at a seminar about healing. One guy was obviously very ill and disabled SO, everybody sort of assumed he was there to be healed. Shamefully I thought that as well. Thank you God who often seem to fuck up my prejudices. The man was there because he wanted to learn more about praying for sick people, as did most of the other participants. He ended up in the group I was in, and well he prayed for me and another woman.

So please pray that my brain isn't going BOHOOO or something on me. And that I WILL WORK next week.

Now I will listen to Tom Waits.