Still on vacation still posting- trying to convince me

To accept life and looking to others for inspiration.
I can't imagining working next week. Jesus I can barely get through the day or write a post without fucking up. Jesus, and I mean that as a call for help and well....

Step one, bought two books by Philip Yance, one of the few contemporary christian authors that I can relate to. I mean really, this teaching about you can get what you want if you pray. I wanted happiness, a calm life when becoming a christian. I thanked God for every success. I believe he looks after his own, BUT, there is a big BUT. If God looks out for us, why does shit happen to Good people. Because we are obsessed, sinful, not praying in the right way and so on. This way of thinking does eventually sort of leave me stranded. I have never understood the teachings that Jesus is ever kind, nice as in Sunday school. I have never quite felt at home with well bread Christians in nice clothes and their happy shining faces. (Forgive me.) I always related more to ex. addicts, to people in the old testament yelling at God, or the gospels song that cries in despair but with hope.

Thank you Philip. Thank you for not giving easy answers. Thank you for showing me the old thinkers. And it all comes down to "we live in a fallen world, God can heal, God can give strength, but not always the way we want." (or something, sorry Philip.) BUT HEY I HATE TO ACCEPT THAT. Hey.....Yance shows that faith, love, and fellow people can be healing and meaningful. SO! I wanted happiness and have fun all the time. Is the fucking answer "This is it, take it and make the best you can." It creeps upon me that that's the answer because that's the best we humans can do. FUCK. Is that what God and life is leaving us with. And heaven of course. And comfort when in pain, and company, and strength but they way God wants. I can't live without God but it is sometimes hard to get it. Forgive me God.

I am 38 and realising intellectually, not accepting emotionally that this fucking cliché is what we are left with. "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." (And pray and trust in the Lord, and look to others....)

I think I will steel an insight from blogger Screw Bronze where http://elizabethmcclung.blogspot.com/2008/09/terry-fox-runwalkwheel-i-am-survivor.html
she writes about what it means to be a survivor. I sort of adapts her idéa to my mind and I will think "Oh, I'll think I'll do a Terry." Meaning, the same as making lemonade.

By the way, God, such a pity waisting such a handsome young man in cancer. (Sorry God, it is not as we humans seems to destroy young men in wars all the time.)(Sorry.)

So, conclusions on this post. I intend to do a Terry. And pray that my decision survives the next anxiety attack or nosebleed.

Finally I hope that there are great swimming pools and good sneakers in heaven for Terry. And congrats to all the girls up there.