So, I am a hypochondriac. Meaning:
* I think every bodily signal is something bad.
* I react unlogical to disease. I go to doctors when I don't need to and I ignore real symptoms and is really frightened to go to doctors when ill.
* I believe it's the worst.
* I get paralyzed by anxiety and reacts in a way that is not healthy. Like I have a disposition for diabetes, bet being afraid of some other disease I stop exercising. This is contraproductive since I need the exercise to keep my bloodsugar stable.
* I can't stand blood.
* I can't tolerate pain when in anxiety.
* I need reassurance all the time. From everybody.
So, status. I haven't been working for about two weeks, this week I am on holiday. I have been paralysed by diarrhoea and fear. I feel exhausted.
Doctors opinion: tests show nothing, rektoscopy shows nothing, they will refer me to a specialist and a coloctoscopy. But expect that to show nothing. Diagnosis on evidence nothing found and my history of stomach cramps: IBS. I can live with that.
But now I am still convinced I have cancer. Somewhere. Like stomach or ovaries. Well......this blog will not deal anymore with my diseases. I will hide them to myself. I will fight it on my own. But just so you know. This is me. I believe I have cancer because I am tired. Because my temperature goes up as soon as I do something physical like walking, or cleaning. Then as soon as I rest it drops again. It is not normal. I have cancer. Of course no one believes me. I have just taken like 20 testfactors in my blood and like 5 in my shit and they were all good or very good.
I believe I have cancer. I don't know what to do.
I think it has something to do with accepting. Accepting the possibility of being dying.
Accepting the possibility of loosing everything.
Of not having it my way.
Accepting that I can never really know.
I will move on.
My grandmother was the same. She did eventually die. She had anxiety and tried to kill herself when she was 89.
My mother is the same. She is very healthy and not a hypochondriac. But she worries and has worried, a lot of her life. I think she suffers from an early stage of dementia.
I will fight this. I will fight my anxiety, my fear, my obsession. Because in the end it doesn't save me from dying. It just keeps me from living.
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2 comments:
I think it is very brave and very useful to talk about what most people won't talk about. A lot of people have aspects of hypochondriac, but this is first time I have read the thoughts of a hypochondriac. I think it is useful, not only to me but to others out there.
I think, much like my needle phobia, this is not your fault, this is not something you can control nor is it becuase you need to do X or Y (though I bet people tell you that all the time and it would make me frustrated!).
Okay, you believe you have cancer. I believe you a) have something medically wrong with you based on what you describe and b) probably have some mutated cells somewhere in you - but I don't know if B is causing A. Many people, even people with malignant cancer, get cancer cells and tumors which are benign. But I can understand that having these worries, trying to record them and then having no results is exhausting.
I am going to ask a "maybe" question, if this is a Trigger please don't read (a "trigger" is something that makes your hypochondia worse - for me a "trigger" is something that makes me want to cut, or starve myself).
Okay, you have cancer. They find the cancer. They treat the cancer and remove it. What would you feel like then. Would it be resolved or would it then be a worry that the cancer would return?
Again I think you are very determined, resourceful and that you will find a way to live and hopefully to find balance between hypochondria and work and going out and having exercise. And I hope they find a good pro-biotic or calcium or something that works for your IBS. That is horrid, had it for a few years until I found what works.
Hm, I am not offended. Yes I am triggered. I am triggered because I want to be reassured I don't have cancer......but......
I get triggered if somebody says I look tired even if I am so, I suppose anything can trigger me.
Would I feel better if I did get cancer and it was curable. Well, don't know. I think the answers is a yes, and no.
I have obviously an hormonal syndrome, when I got that diagnosed, lots of anxiety concerning that disappeared, mainly because doctors check me up once a year. I also obviously have depressions. This diagnosis has not made me calmer. So, I suppose being diagnosed with cancer would make me calmer if the doctors checked me repeteadly, but I would still worry all the time about symptoms or spreading or other diseases. I think. Or I would be just fed up with it and in denial.
I will be seeing a nurse who is eductated in cognitive therapy once a week for two months now, basically to therapy my anxiety, but in the back of my head I also think "well I can ask her more about my symptoms".
I did an exercise(cognitivetherapy) yesterday, of all my worries, and anxieties, one turned out to be true, and it didn't help worrying about it.
If I had a condition like yours I would probably have a heartattack just from worrying.
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